Man of the Cloth

Today is the day that I have decided to join the order of the priesthood. I have decided to take one very solemn vow, a vow of security, and that is to never again receive an opened package for as long as I am here in Namibia. From this day foreword, I make a request that all the care packages sent to me bear the name of Father Justin Gorrie.

You see somewhere along the line, the packages sent from the states to Namibia are opened by postal workers. The workers inspect the packages, they take what they want, and then sometimes, if you are lucky, they reseal the packages and send them on the rest of their journey a little lighter than when they began. Declaring anything of value in the package is like taking a big, bright and flashy neon colored sharpie and writing the words “STEAL ME” all over your box or bubble envelope.

I have heard many volunteers’ stories of postal theft. Sometimes packages are cut open, and then sealed up with a tape that says they found that the package was “accidentally” busted opened during transit somehow. My favorites are always the ones involving food, where things are half-eaten and then returned to the package as if the bandit is being considerate and saving some for the designated recipient. My very first package in Namibia was a bubble envelope that was completely torn open at the seal, just wide enough to get a hand inside to fondle the contents. Luckily for me, they did not find the Mexican crafts to be as valuable as I did, and I received everything that was sent to me.

The good news is that there are steps that can be taken to deter postal theft. For some reason (and my guess is that the thieves are mostly insecure males), tampons seem to create a powerful force field around the inner contents of a package that few postal workers dare to penetrate. So you can throw in a few tampons or pads as packing materials and almost forgo the shipping insurance entirely.

However, if you are looking for a method other than one that plays solely on insecurity, then you can attempt to play on the criminal’s guilt by using religion to your benefit. For this method, you can add the title of Father or Sister in front of anyone’s name, you can write various bible verses or quotes on the exterior of the package, you can write sayings like “God is watching” or “Don’t SIN” or “Thou shall NOT steal”, and you can even include church bulletins, bibles, or various other religious objects right on top of everything else.

The last level of defense is attempting to deceive the crooks by disguising the package as something of little value. This means declaring it as merely a shipment of USED books, USED clothing, USED school supplies, tampons (USED?), and other various church donations with very little or no value. And for the Ultimate protection, you can combine all of the methods, and just like on one volunteer’s package, you can write messages such as “Jesus loves Tampons.”

Please, do whatever you can to help me maintain the vows of my new order and to fulfill my holy mission of receiving pure and uncorrupted packages. For now I am a man of the cloth…at least as far as Namibian postal workers are concerned…